Why am I cooking? Part 2

We’ve discussed now that I lost my job. My position was eliminated, and I believe that due to my struggles with the late ADHD diagnosis and the medication changes that I was an easy target for these layoffs.

But I was shot. I was burned out, so I signed the NDA and the severance package.

Being called into the HR office is not fun. You know immediately what’s going to happen as soon as the HR lady asks you to go in there. When they told me that they were letting me go, I broke down. It was too much.

I begged them to keep me, it was embarrassing. Of course the decision had been made, and I wasn’t the only one that they let go throughout that day.
The experience of being brought your things and sent out the back door is disheartening to say the least, especially after sacrificing so much for nearly 3 years.

(Disclaimer: It is a normal practice to escort people out of the building during a lay off. This is not a statement of fault on the part of my prior employer. It is purely my experience that it hurts.)

I didn’t know it then, but a huge weight was lifted, and I was able to begin a journey that has brought me here.

In the moment, I went to the library. Then as the layoffs continued, one of my friends was also let go. Then we went drinking. Then we sang karaoke. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to her! I think we both needed that moment, and since then we have become even better friends.

The next few days, I drove out to Long Island to help my father-in-law, Chris, take care of Eileen. Eileen had just taken a turn for the worse. At this point she’d had multiple rounds of chemo, major surgery, sepsis, pneumonia, and a bladder blockage which affected her kidneys.

They stabilized her kidney function with a catheter placed directly into each kidney connected to a bag to collect the urine. The cancer would not allow her to urinate. I know this is gross, but I want you to understand that she was not herself. She was dying. None of us wanted to accept that.

The 3 days that I spend with Eileen and Chris were really good. She had some amazing lucid moments, but she wasn’t eating or drinking, and she wasn’t able to walk 2 feet without fatigue and confusion.

Right near Easter, Patrick, Charlie, and I were in Baltimore with our friends, the Shelly’s, who we celebrate Easter with every year. While there, Eileen was admitted to the hospital and passed away overnight. My poor brother-in-law, Christopher was there with her when she took her last breath.

She waited until my father-in-law left, I believe, because she didn’t want him to see her like that. I am so thankful to Christopher because she did not die alone, even though it must have been so traumatic for him.

To help you understand what Eileen meant to me, you need to have a brief understanding of my relationship with my own mother. For reasons I do not know, my mother is very closed off emotionally. I do not believe she ever felt a strong attachment to me. She held me at arms length. I am, however, very affectionate and like any kid, just wanted someone to hug and kiss me and tell me things were going to be okay. My mother was not this person to me. Eileen was that person for me.

When I was attending her wake, one of the ladies who was friends with my mother-in-law confided in me that Eileen had said that she believed she was put on earth to be a mother to me. Losing Eileen was losing my mom. The person I called when things were awful. The person I called when things were going extraordinarily well! If you have a wonderful relationship with your mom, then you know what I mean.

Losing my job was a blow. Losing Eileen was a gut punch. Experiencing both losses at the same time left me wondering, “What on earth am I doing here?”

Eileen lived life to the fullest. She was the first person to order a mimosa at the airport (even if it was 8am). She was the first person to put up her Christmas decorations, and the first one to support you in your new venture, even if it was an MLM, LOL. (MLM is multi-level marketing like Avon, Mary Kay, and all those “business ventures” that women you haven’t seen in 20 years Facebook you about.) Not my jam, but it was never about the things she bought, it was about supporting her friends. She was just the most generous and supportive person you would ever meet.

After the funeral, and when day to day activities resumed, I realized that I now had time to do things that I wanted to do while I was working. I joined the PTA. I baked for the bake sale. Charlie was named Student of the Month in Science in September, and I was free to attend the ceremony with no fear that I would be seen as less loyal to my job than other employees.

That’s an amazing feeling and I want to hold onto that feeling for as long as I can.